Both of my girls have experienced night terrors at points in
their childhood. As a parent, this means
being awakened by a screaming child - usually 5-10 minutes after you yourself
finally get to sleep. The child is awake
enough to be completely and inexplicably freaking out, but clearly still asleep
so that they aren’t receptive to words, comforting touch, or any kind of
reassurance. They’re thrashing about,
pushing you away, and making hideous noises that neighbors may possibly
interpret as evidence of criminal activity next door. You feel simultaneously completely powerless
and completely frustrated as a parent – your kid is in crisis, and you can
neither wake them up nor soothe them back to sleep.
Recently, Anja (age 5) had a sequence of these night terrors,
a handful over the span of a couple of weeks.
It seemed to come on during a time of stress and anxiety for me
personally this summer – conspicuous timing, to the point where I, by God’s
grace, literally started asking Him “why is this happening? Am I supposed to be learning something from
this?”
The biblical picture of God as Father has been meaningful to
me, especially since I became a father eight years ago. So, often my lessons about God’s character
and my own nature are seen through this lens.
As I was trying to help Anja during her night terrors, I almost yelled at her out of frustration, “JUST SETTLE DOWN! YOU ARE COMPLETELY FINE!” And, at the same
time, I wanted to simply snuggle with her on the couch to calm her
down. I love that child more than any
earthly thing, and in these moments I just want to see her at peace and
rest. So is there anything in this human
picture of parent and child that points me to a greater truth of my
relationship with the Lord?
I’ve had more than my usual dose of anxious, mental
freak-out moments in the past year.
These have been the result of life circumstances and choices that I’ve
talked about and will continue to write about.
Intellectually, I know I can trust Jesus to take care of me and my
family, even if the means of his provision aren’t clear to me. But in my heart and spirit, there’ve been
moments where I’m probably a bit like my daughter during a night terror –
thrashing around, freaking out, unable to be consoled, unwilling to hear truth.
My imperfect fatherly reaction – at once well-intentioned
and rooted in deep love, while also tinged with frustration – might lend some
insight to God’s posture toward his children.
He desperately wants us to know the truth of our condition – we are safe,
we are loved, there is no reason to panic because He is in charge. He’s given us His word and His Spirit so that
these truths are readily available to us.
He also desires our peace and rest, and even to know his calming touch,
just like I want to snuggle down with Anja to soothe her.
I’ll admit, this analogy of God’s touch and snuggling is a
bit much for me to handle (purely my own issue…) – but the best example I can
give is in the way I’ve found peace and rest and connection with God on a more
emotional level as I walk alone in nature listening to worship music. His touch may be felt some other way for you,
but this is how I’ve experienced it recently, and so have made it a point to
take these walks regularly.
Thankfully, Anja hasn’t had a night terror in a while. I continue to occasionally have my own
internal anxious moments and I suspect that may always be the case. When I do, I’m trying to find rest and
reassurance in the truth of God’s sovereignty and in His affections for me, a
beloved child.
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